My Instead: I confronted my daughter-in-law and also a friend regarding their views about my relationship issues.
This
was the kind of Friday I like…a day of mindless painting without the
drudgery of cleaning. It was a day where I could be in the company of my
thoughts and my feelings…and there was plenty to think and feel as my new
relationship with Annette was taking flight.
When I
arrived at my son and daughter-in-law’s house under construction, I found
Shaundra (my daughter-in-law) already there working on her daily chore list to
keep this show on the road and ready for the next stage. As usual, she and I
commenced with our comfortable chatter. The subject matter was this new person
in my life. During the conversation and with a matter a fact tone, but never
hurtful, Shaundra spewed the words “you need someone to put you in your place”.
Hmmm.
As I
painted baseboard after baseboard, I thought about what Shaundra said about my
needing someone to “put me in my place”. When she came back out to my work
station, I confronted her about it. She admitted that she was reflecting more
on herself. She had always “held the reins” in her past relationships, then
her husband Kyle (my son) came along and took over with an assumed authority that was foreign to
her. Even though she was looking back at her own transformation with him, I
knew she felt there was some correlation with me and my “set ways”. I kept the
game in play…I “called” her innuendo and “raised” her a new perspective. What
if putting me in my place wasn’t a power thing at all, but a loving thing. Maybe
Annette COULD be the one to “put me in my place”…the place where I belong.
Shaundra really liked that idea and wished me the best in my new “place”.
Then later
that day, I spoke with Carol, a friend of mine from the past and the present. When
I told Carol the news about Annette and me, she said something like “don't
screw this up”. I ignored her comment at the time, but then decided to grow
some “courage” and call her on it. Later when I spoke with her again, I asked
her why she said “don’t screw it up”. I believe she was caught off guard with
my actually confronting her about it. I’m not one to typically challenge what
someone else says about me. She explained that I tend to over-analyze people.
Then she proceeded to bring up past conversations where I had shared some
thoughts with her, none of which revealed that I was questionable relationship
material, always on the verge of “screwing it up”. Carol had never really seen
me in a relationship before, so I felt a bit disappointed by her judgment of
me. I was also sure that I would never speak to her like this, so I wondered
why she felt free to voice an opinion that had no real basis. Uh-oh…am I
over-analyzing?
In
summary, when I finally had the opportunity to hear what these two women had to
say about me, it confused my perception of myself. After all, they are pouring
“me” through “their” filter. Heaven knows what those filters already contained.
But we all have filters that muddy an initial perception to then create our very
own perspective! So how much credence should I give to these opinions of me? Well,
I chose to take them in, process them, “filter” them and then absorb the
lesson…for there is always a lesson.
In the
future, I’ll just check in with ME once in a while and ask myself "Is this
who I am?” Then all I have to do is answer the question. Hence, the lesson…if I
listen to my own inner voice more, I won’t be so daunted by all these other
voices.
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