May 14, 2014
My instead: I said to a friend "Call ME the next time you're in a 'bad place'; I'll be your 'instead'".
My work schedule took me to one of my
recently widowed clients today. Her name is Joanne and she lost her husband
Paul last July. When I arrived, we started our gab session like we generally do,
but today it seemed a little more voracious because I had more time to spare. One
of our discussions got pretty philosophical. Moms get that way when they’re
talking about their kids, no matter what their age.
Sunday had been Mother’s Day and Joanne had a
day of mixed emotions. Her out-of-town daughter Karen had sent her a card and
Joanne was fine with that since Karen lives in Florida. However, Joanne had no
plans yet with her two local daughters or at least none that she knew of. It
was getting close to 2 o’clock in the afternoon and neither of those daughters
was making any brownie points with their silence and absence. Joanne could feel
herself getting angry and sad about being forgotten. She had decided that if
she did not hear from them, she would write them each a “nasty email”. Joanne
was NOT in a good place!
"No sense in waiting around the house", she
thought. She wanted to leave to show them that she could make her own plans and
do just fine without them. Her big activity consisted of going to the grocery
store. When she was on her way home, her daughter Kathy called her and asked
where she was because everyone was at the house. Apparently, Debbie, the other
daughter was supposed to have called her mother to inform her that they would
be coming over to visit with all kinds of food prepared. Well, Debbie forget to
call...
As I listened to Joanne’s story, I could feel
her anger and pain about being forgotten on this special day, especially since
she is living alone now. “Isn’t it ‘funny’ that all that gloom could have been
avoided if Debbie would have just called the day before?” I asked. I was
empathetic and she could tell that. I reflected on my year of “insteads” that I
am doing to bring more joy to my life. I reminded her that being in that “bad
place” and wanting to get even really didn’t feel good. She agreed right away. So
why not do something instead? I was throwing out a couple of suggestions and
finally I said, “Call ME the next time you feel like that”. We can go out for
an ice tea or something. I told her that she should not let anyone make her
feel that bad and sad, not even her daughters. I explained that this is what my
year is all about…doing something INSTEAD of the insane stuff we’ve been doing
that brings little or no joy. The look on her face was saying “YEAH, NO KIDDING”.
It was a phenomenal moment shared between the two of us and it never would have
happened had I not been on this year long quest to do the “insteads”
in life that will bring more joy.
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